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Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

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early childhood sexual abuse [06 Feb 2016|02:04pm]

Trigger warning.Collapse )
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Scared. [05 Feb 2015|10:30am]

[ mood | scared ]

I haven't written in a while. I've been trying to manage my health. I see a therapist two or three times a week, depending on how I feel. The last two days, however, I have had these terrible, unwanted thoughts in my head that I can't get rid of. I have no control over them. I lost my brother to suicide in December 2012, and for some reason I was thinking about it yesterday, and now my mind is bent on it. I don't want to hurt myself and I don't want to die, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head and I'm really scared that I'm going to lose control. Thankfully I have an appointment with my therapist tonight. I don't know what to do. I've tried anti-depressants but they only make me sick. I take klonopin when I need to relax, but it makes me feel more crazy. I'm at a total loss here.

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Ten months. [03 Oct 2013|11:42am]

In two days it will be ten months since he died, and I can still recall the moment I found out as though it happened two minutes ago. I went back to work in hysterics, fifteen minutes after I'd gone to lunch. And my bosses and Ruth (who is my boss in a way as well) were so wonderful, with their comforting words, assuring me that I could take the rest of the day off, that they would drive me home if I needed it. I remember Sid coming to me while I sat at my desk and sobbed, as embarrassing as it was, and he stood on the other side of the table situated behind my workstation, with his hands in his pockets, and this look on his face that told me he didn't know what to say, which is strange because he is a wonderful man of many words. He appeared apologetic, almost helpless, which made me feel worse, because I know he is used to solving problems, as is his trade. I can remember struggling to drive home and park my car in the garage, and making my way up the stairs to my apartment. I just sat in the living room in silence, waiting for Nic to come home, waiting for my Mom to call. Like clockwork, the moment I heard the patio door open and heard Nic's voice my phone rang, and it was my Mom. I didn't find out until later that Nic already knew when he walked in the door; that my Mom had called him incessantly and prompted him to come home as quickly as possible because she didn't want me to be alone when she told me. The look on his face should have told me as much, but I suppose I didn't want to believe it was true.

When I first picked up the phone there was silence on the other end, a palpable hesitation, and I was sure she would tell me that he'd called; that he had spent two days on a drunken bender at a friend's house, or that he'd taken off to some state far away to stay with a friend from his unit in the army. I can still feel the crippling ache in my chest that resounded through me with such a terrible fury the moment I heard my mother's shaking, raspy voice tell me, "He's gone, Ashley." That was all she said. I couldn't believe it. I had just talked to him two days ago. I found out later that he and I were messaging on Facebook up until half an hour before he pulled the trigger. The last text he sent out was to one of the mother's of his children, a sordid: "tell my boys i love them with all my heart". He would be dead four minutes later.

And I remember throwing my phone and then collapsing to the floor in between the couch and the glass coffee table and screaming and wailing, and I remember my boyfriend trying to hold me and console me and I remember pushing him away because every inch of me was in incurable agony. I wanted to die and vomit and hit something and hurt myself all at the same time. I was only on the phone with my mother for a matter of minutes because all I could do was scream why and cry, though my boyfriend would tell you that I did and said other things that I can't recollect. After I hung up I moved from room to room in my apartment, sobbing and nauseous, with my boyfriend just behind me. I didn't know what to do with myself; at times I still don't. I lay on the bed for a while and sobbed some more, until my lungs ached in my chest and my eyes burned. I texted Rebecca: "can you come over dustin killed himself", to which she never responded, but appeared no more than twenty minutes later. By that time I had moved myself from the bedroom to my patio and was chain-smoking. I'd taken two oxycodone pills in an attempt to numb myself, but it just made me sick. I couldn't eat, wanted nothing to drink. I felt bad for my boyfriend because all he wanted to do was hold me, but my skin hurt; my hair hurt. My boyfriend told me that during the night I would awake crying, and rouse him from his slumber and plead with him to tell me that I'd dreamed it all. And I can still remember the look on his face as he solemnly shook his head and wrapped his arms around me and held me while I cried myself back to sleep.

I still spend many nights like this. I still scream and cry and ask why, and I still pray that I'll awake and it would have been a nightmare. I dream of him often, and wonder what his last moments were like, a thought that brings me to my knees. The tears will never end. This gaping hole in my chest will never be filled. The pain has not even begun to subside. Often times I want to die as well, if only just to see him again, even for a moment. To ask him why he couldn't say good-bye.
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I'm new.. [04 Aug 2013|12:49am]

Hey guys, i just came across Live Journal itself today.

My psychiatrist has actually recommended me joining a support group, so i thought i would check out the communities on this site. I was diagnosed with Clinical depression, PTSD and GAD just recently. I have been struggling with depression for about 5 years. I am 16 years old and everything was basically triggered by being molested 3 times by 3 different men, that i trusted the most. I was recently prescribed Wellbutrin and Seroquel. I take seroquel, melatonin and my vitamins at night and Wellbutrin and another vitamin in the morning. My anxiety is absolutely horrible, and i constantly feel like im not actually a part of this world. Like everything is just a dream... and i`m going to eventually wake up in my bed or like a hospital bed. It`s horrifying. I do need support and help.  I am hoping to find that here.

Thanks guys
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Stressed. [24 Jul 2013|02:39pm]

I'm getting stressed about the flight. I leave Friday morning.

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Something to share for those who are interested... [03 Jul 2013|11:26pm]

[ mood | melancholy ]

I hope this is considered an appropriate post for this journal. I was asked to post something today by my dear, dear daughter-in-law, and to share it in any community where I thought people might find it relevant. She and my daughter are grieving the loss of one of their friends this week, who after a long battle with mental illness, ended up taking their own life. I won't say I am "happy" to post this for my daughter-in-law, because it represents an extremely sad thing, but if even one person is helped by reading her heartfelt words, it has been worth it, for both her and myself.  I have added a resource list with web links and hotline numbers at the end. If you are interested, here is the link to my journal, and I have left it a public post - I am allowing anonymous comments, but I am screening them first. Thank you ~ hg


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A newcomer. [08 Apr 2013|09:38am]

Hi everyone. I just found this place today. I was looking for some sort of solace by any other means aside from lying on a leather couch while an overweight 'doctor' snores over his virgin legal pad. I don't have the money to be ignored anyway.

I was diagnosed with PTSD at thirteen (about ten years ago), as a result of childhood sexual abuse. In December my older brother put a gun in his mouth and killed himself, which brought my progress to a definite stand-still. In fact, I'm probably regressing.

I didn't mean to be blunt, but I figured we're all here for a reason, and that my skeletons would come out eventually, so why wait?
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if [06 Feb 2013|01:21pm]

[ mood | cold ]

if i could escape, i would.
if i keep the music loud enough, it drowns out the screams of the dead and the dying.
if i keep my eyes open, i can't see the faces of the dead.
if i keep my mouth shut, the vileness inside doesn't spew out.
if i smile, it holds the rage at bay, for a time.
the objects in the rearview mirror are closer than they appear.
and then there is the nite...

chomping at the bit...again.

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They Said project [05 Jan 2013|07:50pm]

[ mood | hopeful ]

I am starting a new project this year. Doing art and writing about some of the abusive things that people have done and said to me. The project is called simply "They Said" and each will feature a phrase someone said, a picture related to that, and the story behind what happened.

The first is up here:


Further installments will be posted on my author's facebook at http://www.facebook.com/lauracushingwrites

Please be warned for mentions of domestic violence.

It's my hope that telling my story will be able to help others somehow - either those who are still in that situation, or who have come through and are doing their own healing.

Don't worry, this is all past and I'm in a safe, happy place now.

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[21 Nov 2012|04:15am]


For those of us who have PTSD as a result of childhood abuse or other long time trauma,
Please google complex post traumatic stress disorder. It is a different diagnosis than traditional PTSD and it describes WHO I AM after a life time of abuse.

I am so relieved! I can go to a psychologist now and actual explain myself and get help! Before I just had diagnoses of NLD and ADHD. But I wondered why my ADHD symptoms were getting better as a result of my progress in recovery!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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Useful free CBT apps for anxiety, panic, etc. [18 Jan 2012|10:04pm]

[ mood | hopeful ]

I don't know if they also have these for i-devices, as I refuse to install i-tunes or own i-anything. But I know they have them in the android and amazon app markets. You can get them on your phone, and I'm using them on my Kindle Fire.

Android Market

Amazon Market

Or search keywords: Excel At Life

These apps are VERY useful, and use the principles of cognitive behavioral therapy to help you journal about your anxieties, and to calm down when having an anxiety attack. They have calm down and relaxation and learn about your emotions audios along with the diary. You can set it up so you can get it to remind you of goals you are working on, and all that.

Highly recommend them, especially since they're all free!

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Flashbacks [08 Nov 2011|06:20am]

[ mood | grateful ]

My flashbacks aren't as bad anymore. I am still having a problem with being touched however. I have been through PTSD therapy but it didn't seem to help. I am going to try writing out my life and what happened to me. Then I am going to share this with my sponsor (recovery). Maybe then I can let go and move on. I am getting too old to still be dealing with something that happened 30 years ago. I need to pray every day for guidance and understanding. If anyone has any suggestions, I am willing to listen. God Bless.

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hi. anyone out there? [01 Oct 2011|07:34pm]
New member here. I noticed the last activity was in August so I'm posting hopefully to stir up some conversation here.

The last post by slow_mo_panda was about a particular type of PTSD stemming from a near-death experience: What is your PTSD from? What issues do you deal with that are specific to your "type" of post-traumatic stress?

And, how specifically are you coping with your PTSD? Medications, different modes of therapy? What works for you and what doesn't?

my answers: tl;dr but if you're bored, have a skim.Collapse )
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Prazosin? [23 Jul 2011|04:00pm]

Has anyone tried or heard reports on the use of Prazosin for PTSD? This articles suggests it is very effective:

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Living with PTSD [27 Jun 2011|02:47pm]

[ mood | okay ]

I can tell I'm heading for trouble when my dreams start to turn. Usually I have very enjoyable dreams, dreams of stories and interesting things. I wake up remembering a line of poetry my sub-conscious came u with , or sometimes a character or even the entire outline for a short story. Once I dreamed a whole novel (I actually won NanoWrimo that year, as opposed to every other year when I haven't been able to get more than about 1/4 of the way).

My experiences with PTSD, bad dreams, flashbacks, anxiety attacks - and my advice for dealing with all of the aboveCollapse )

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The subtle art of being social (or how I stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb) [22 Jun 2011|04:48pm]

[ mood | accomplished ]

Contains refrences to aspergers, ptsd, and how they figure in to socialization. And my advice for how to socialize anyohw.Collapse )

x-posted a bit

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"Poster Girl" [25 Feb 2011|07:42pm]

"The plight of veterans returning home from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan is a fixture on the documentary circuit these days, but none have shined such a tight and bright focus on post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as Sara Nesson’s Poster Girl. Following Army Sgt. Robynn Murray as she returns from a mind- and body-scarring tour of Iraq, Poster Girl shows the emotional, psychological, and bureaucratic turmoil faced by the former cover girl for Army Magazine. The 39-minute film—which the Fund for Santa Barbara is bringing to the Lobero Theater on Friday, March 4 for a free screening and Q&A with director and star—was nominated for the short doc Academy Award."

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PTSD Comic 2 - The Roaster Pan Incident [28 Jan 2011|11:15pm]

[ mood | creative ]

Another comic I did about one of my ptsd issues - this one about stress. Apologies for not having a scanner and the pictures being kind of crappy.

More...Collapse )

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PTSD rage Comic [04 Oct 2010|09:53pm]

[ mood | accomplished ]

I got an assignment in therapy to journal about my repressed rage. It wasn't coming out in a regular format, so I decided to make a comic. Warning- I'm no artist, and these were photographed because I don't have a scanner. But it wound up being a lot easier for me to do it in this format than a regular journal.

Comic under the cutCollapse )

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Therapy journal [30 Jul 2010|04:01pm]

[ mood | optimistic ]

Hello! I'm new here. I'm a complex ptsd sufferer who is just starting cognitive behavioral therapy. I'm in the middle of making some big changes in my life, moving to a safer living environment and trying to get my health (physical and mental) to a better condition.

I'm keeping this journal as part of my therapy, I suppose -- I'll be writing in it about my life, my ptsd, and the steps I'm taking to change things.

If this is of interest to anyone, I welcome you to friend me and I will friend you back.

All entries are posted friends only so you can't see anything in the journal before you're friended, but there's about five entries so far.

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